I am spiraling. With no relief in sight, I am at a crossroads. 

The doubt, self-hate, and mood swings are a problem. They have been for well over 2 months now. Increasing in severity, as time goes on. To the point where I can no longer mash them in a tiny little box, to be hidden away. Out of sight out of mind.

I understand everyone is experiencing the strain and stress of the pandemic, which further drives my conviction to compartmentalize and push forward. But the pandemic is not the problem, it’s just compounding it.  I think I have finally reached my breaking point. 

In all honestly, I probably need to find myself some professional help, but I have been down that road far too many times in my life. Sitting in a chair and talking about my feelings with a stranger is so trying, and exhausting. Not only is it exhausting, but I really don’t want to have medications pushed on me.

I don’t need help identifying what is causing my hypomania, depression, and anxiety; I already know the causes. I don’t think prescription medication is the best solution for me, and I already have a diagnosis of Bipolar in my medical history. The only benefit I see it having is having a provisional listen to me, and analyze my mental state; and honestly, I’m over being analyzed by psychiatrists.

Instead, I am going to do what is right for me, and my mental health, despite how others may feel. Time to say what is on my mind, despite the possibility of upsetting certain people. 

In January I wrote about the prospect of losing someone close to me, and that I was not allowed to freely express my sadness and anger publicly for fear of creating drama within my family. Out of respect, I complied. Unfortunately, that is no longer a healthy option for me.

From past experiences, the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing currently, outweigh my need to keep the peace. I have learned over the last 20 years, when I reach the stage I am at, it is time to act or bad things happen.

Writing has always been the best form of release for me. So, buckle up folks, things are about to get pretty intense up in here. 

I am angry. Pissed off at my Grandfather for letting himself die, for denying he has cancer. For getting angry at us for not being there for him like he wants us to be. I find him to be the most selfish person I know right now; and it makes me feel incredibly guilty, weak, and shallow. 

All I want to do is be supportive, and I have tried. But I recently received a family email that really just made me not want to give him the time of day. It made me want to refuse to make his passing easier on him. I know its petty, I know its wrong, and I would regret it if I allowed myself to do be that person. So, I kept it to myself and continued on. Not allowing my anger to surface, pretending to be supportive is choices, as a good granddaughter should. 

Even as I write this, tears are streaming. I haven’t felt this anger in so long. It is bringing up old abandonment issues, triggering a bipolar episode for the first time in over a year.  

As hard as it for certain people to hear, you can’t force someone to grieve in a manner that you approved of. You don’t have that kind of power. You can’t hide away from something because you don’t want to face it. When you are raised to face your problems head-on, it is extremely hypocritical of a parent or grandparent to have the expectation, of being allowed to hide away hoping for it to go away. 

Then to have the audacity to get angry over the way someone grieves, or what a person is allowed to speak on publicly, sorry but that is never okay. I’m sorry you wanted to continue to rob everyone who has ever cared about you of the knowledge that you are dying, but that is some messed up stuff and extremely unfair to those you claim to love as family. To intentionally hurt people who see you like family, robbing them of their chances to spend time with you before you are gone, that is the definition of a dick move. 

I made an emotional post to social media expressing my grief over the holidays, well after the cat was out of the bag and the immediate family was informed of the test result. I had been drinking and was emotional. By the next morning, I had received a scathing text from my mother chastising me, and telling me I had no right, and it would upset my grandfather, and it put her in an uncomfortable position. I told her that if that was the case, then he can address the issue with me personally. She responded, and that was the last thing we said to each other for several months. 

My grandfather never spoke to me about the issue, and I am tired of skirting my feelings on the matter. Like it or not, I’m not bottling it up anymore. 

In January I opened up communication with my grandfather. I’m angry, but I understand his reasons for his decisions and refused to let it rob us of what time we have left.

 It has only been in the last few months that I have opened up communication with my mother again. Though there is a distance there now, and I’m not sure I am ready to move past it.

I don’t handle my emotions well. They are far more intense for me I think than they are for other people. I attribute it to being on the spectrum, and an empath. While I have greatly improved my communication and social skills, my ability to convey my emotions has never gotten easier. I either get angry and lash out, or I shut down completely and push everyone away. 

I have a switch, and it has never been a problem for me to flip it; no matter who you are to me, the only exceptions being my children.

That switch has been flipped for the last 6 months. I’m ready to get to a point where I can begin to heal, and maybe eventually, repair what has been damaged. 

So this is me, taking my first steps to move beyond this pain, and find my footing again.  

Thanks for reading. 

P.S I have been diving into my writing as of late and will have more of ‘Ascension’ posted in the next few days. I am also working on a screenplay. Homeschooling started this week and it’s been an adjustment, but it is coming along.

I have also been trying to develop a podcast, but I think it is too much for me to take on right now. Because of this, I’m temporarily putting it on the back burner.