Hello everyone. I’m doing this post a little differently today. I’m posting work I’m not happy with, in order to ask for help.
I have started the first edit on my manuscript, as most of you know. Which means I have pretty much scrapped my first round, and I am in the process of doing a serious overhaul on it.
I still have the original. I have been cherry picking the parts I like and want to keep from it. I also couldn’t bring myself to delete it after working so hard on it. I have been working on this bit for most of the week.
Most of the work has involved plotting and planning in my workbook; developing the story more. This scene has raised many questions, and I had to work through them before I could continue.
I have been struggling with describing Melody’s visions. Everything I write, reads like crap. I will highlight the sections where I am struggling, if anyone has a suggestion on how to turn shit into gold, I welcome the feed back.
Becoming the Weaver…
Click here for the first part.
Her nose burned and her eyes watered as she clung to the woman carrying her. She buried her head, and whimpered as the bad men chased them through the burning trees
“This way!” They followed the man’s voice, turning to see the glowing sphere. “Hurry!”
The woman’s grip tightened as she ran towards the gateway, and through without looking back.
She watched their rescuer fight the bad men trying to catch them as the gate shrank, and disappeared behind them.
“PAPPA!” she reached out in vain as the world she knew vanished before her eyes. Her cries echoing in the silence.
Melody woke with a start, and leapt off the couch. Her heart hammering her ribs. She could still smell smoke; her body trembled as the child’s cries echoed in her head.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and spun around, swinging her arms like a cornered octopus.
“It’s okay, you’re safe.” A woman with flawless dark features, and deep brown eyes smiled kindly at her as she took a step back, giving Melody some room. “You came through a gateway, and passed out. I was assigned to look after you. My name is Inara.”
Melody relaxed, and dropped her arms, as everything started coming back to her. The attack on the camp, the fighting, escaping.
“My Sister! Where is she?”
“She is recovering in our infirmary. I can take you to her if you wish.”
Melody nodded urgently. Something wasn’t right, she could feel it. They needed to get out of there now.
“Yes, please!” She felt the panic start to ride in her throat and swallowed it down. They headed to the door.
The room went dark as Inara turned the knob. The shrill scream of an alarm filled the air, as red emergency lights lit up the corridor. The hair on her stood on end.
They ran down the corridor, spotting a group of guards dressed in full riot gear heading towards them.
“What is going on?” Inara called as they ran past them.
“Spooks in the infirmary!”
“What are spooks?” Mel stopped grabbing Inara’s arm. “My sister is there, I’m not leaving her!” she let go, and turned to follow them.
“Your sister is probably already dead!” she yelled, but it was useless. She ran to catch up as Mel turned the corner in pursuit.
“Wait, don’t go that way!” She grabbed Mel’s arm and turned left when the guards turned right. “In here!” She led her into what looked like a break room. There was a large table circled with chairs in the middle of the room, a kitchen area to the left, and a large row of metal lockers along the back wall.
“Shhh…” she put a finger to her lips, and crept to the door across from them. Carefully peeking out the narrow window, before ducking back down with a hiss.
“What’s wrong?” Mel scrambled around her to get a look.
There were four of them. Dressed in black body armor and they were headed straight towards them. One of them was caring for a grapefruit sized sphere.
The room begins to spin, she has a premonition. The thing in their hand is an explosive device.
“They have a bomb!” she felt the fear and couldn’t push it down. They were going to die. This was going to be it! The tears stung as they filled her eyes.
“Hey now, don’t break down on me yet. When I tell you to, run to the left, then turn right the first chance you get, we still have a chance to get in front!” She leveled her gaze on Mel, willing her to hang in there. “You can do this.”
Mel took a breath willing herself to calm down. Panicking wasn’t going to do any good right now, Inara was right.She squatted into position, ready to bolt on Inara’s signal, pushing her fear into the back of her mind.
She pushed open the door jumping in their path. Surprising them. She casts a spell, creating an invisible barrier.
Melody darted out the door, turning the first chance she got. She could see Thaddeus standing next to an open door, pacing like caged animal.
She turned into the room and grinned breathlessly, relieved to find Bridget in one piece. Her relief was short lived as another image flashed across her mind.
“Their coming! Help me!” she darted to the bed, and grabbed.
Bridget woke up groggily. “What’s going on? What is that loud noise?” She whined, putting her hands over her ears feebly.
“We have to get her out of here.” She turned to Brian “They have a bomb!”
Both men jumped into action, each grabbing an arm, to hold her up.
Mel ran back to the door, poking her head out and seeing Inara turn the corner.
“That won’t hold them for long.”
“How do we get out of here?”
“There is a stairwell. It leads to the service entrance.”
Inara led the way as they fled from the recovery room. Bridgett’s arms were hooked around their necks for balance, as they gripped her waist in unison. Her small frame did little to weight them down; as they hurried to the stairwell.
“Through here!” She yanked on the handle and sprinted down the stairs.
Mel was right on her heels, but halted half way down; when she realized the others weren’t following them. “Wait, we have to go back!” She turned around and ran back up. She had almost made it to the door when she heard Bridgett scream in terror.
Without warning Mel was thrown back through the door. Barely stopping herself from tumbling over the metal railing as she gripped it. Blinding white light filled the room then vanished with a deafening crack. She looked around in confusion.
“RUN!” a voice screamed in her head.
She turned and sprinted down the stairs, fear making her feet fly as she fled. She had almost made it to the service entrance when the floor beneath her began to rumble. There was a loud explosion, the concussion propelling her through the open door as she jumped; flying through the air, and skidding along the gravel covering the ground on the other side. Screaming and covering her head with her arms, as glass and rubble fell around her.