Day 21

I am finally feeling somewhat human again. Which is a nice change of pace. I have spent the last 6 days wrapped in a blanket cocoon, and doing my best to stay away from everyone. I did go to the doctor. On Sunday, I was diagnosed with strep but was not able to get tested for Covid, because the prompt care clinic I went to didn’t have tests available. On Monday, I went to my primary care doctor to try and get tested, because I had all the symptoms, but they refused because I had been diagnosed with strep already. ( I couldn’t possibly have both a viral and bacterial infection. Cue anxiety attack, and a major meltdown.) I am on day five of antibiotics. My throat stopped hurting completely by day 3 but that was the only symptom that seemed to ease with the antibiotics. Last night was the first night I didn’t wake up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night; and I was dry this morning. Fingers crossed, my fever finally broke. I’m also not experiencing body aches, or joint pain. Which is a huge relief. The fatigue is still there though. Taking a shower was exhausting. 

I know I had been running fevers, but the 5 year old lost our only thermometer and the stores are sold out of them. Which means I had no way of figuring out how bad they got. I just got in the habit of taking ibuprofen whenever I started feeling cold, or my eyes started burning again. (Both are indicators of a fever.) I lost my sense of taste and smell for a little while, but my appetite wasn’t suppressed too badly. However, I only ate small portions; just enough to keep my stomach from trying to eat itself. Lots of soup, and peanut butter sandwiches.

Throughout all this, I still had to make sure the kids were getting their school work done each day. The older boys were pretty easy. Mostly it’s just checking they actually did an appropriate amount of work for each day. They do a lot of avoiding stuff they don’t really like doing. Or if there is a tech issue, they tend to say things like, “It won’t let them do it.” or “The assignment isn’t showing up.” Without trying to troubleshoot, or email their teacher. (90% of the time it’s something they didn’t read the directions for.) 

The little one was more involved, as his stuff is all hands on. Fortunately he is a smart cookie, and his written work only takes 30 minutes max. The rest are video activities/lessons/stories his teacher sends. So, he isn’t behind on his school work. Honestly if he was inclined to, he could burn through all 8 weeks worth of work in one week if I let him. He is a ball of energy though, and can’t sit still for more than 30 minutes; which makes it unlikely he would be inclined to.

My anxiety has been really bad since Sunday. Between a husband who thought I was over exaggerating (Hence the major meltdown), an intake clerk trying to diagnose me without a medical degree before she registered me for a walk-in to see my actual doctor, and Facebook strangers telling me that if I actually had symptoms they would “test me” because they are testing in their city; I am pretty much in the “screw it” mentality right now. Telling a stranger you’re trying “help” by giving them a crash course on how visiting a doctor work is patronizing. As if I haven’t been seeing doctors for various reasons over the past 20 years on my own. I deleted Facebook off my phone. I am thinking of deleting my Facebook all together. It’s toxic, and I’m over it.

I have also been struggling with failure, as I navigate SEO and traffic building. With being sick, and having to home-school during the pandemic I’m ready to throw in the towel. I have zero confidence in myself, and my skill as a writer. I am hanging on by a thread, trying to convince myself to keep moving forward; but I can feel myself slipping as I tell myself this will all be worth it in the end. All I see in front of me is a massive wall, and no way over it, or around. 

Now here I sit, rooted and miserable, ready to accept defeat.